Saturday, January 19, 2013

Even Though

Deanna Shrodes has done it again:
We did not lose each other.
Even though my OBC was sealed.
Even though my a-parents moved us 147 miles away from the city where they adopted me.
Even though we didn't know each other's new names. (She married and changed hers. My a-parents changed mine.)
We were still connected.
-- Affected by Adoption ~ Body, Soul & Spirit
For many adoptees, the big lie of our lives is that one definition of family obliterates the other, that new connections undo old ones. This fallacy is driven home from day one, and reinforced in countless ways. We are given new names and new identities that obscure the original ones. Our parents, biological and adoptive, sign papers annulling one family and creating a new one, and we are expected to play along, as if the new, legal entity was all that ever was. Evidence of any pre-existing history is sealed away, and we are asked to pretend it never existed.

zole4 FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Except that it lives on, in us. In our faces, our hands, our feet, our mannerisms, our quirks of personality. A million sign posts mark us as different from those who are raising us as "their own," and we are expected to ignore them all. Or at the very least, to act as if such things don't matter in the least.

We are told the rules of our new lives, as created for us by others, and some of us excel at following them. Some of us even go so far as to become participants in maintaining the fallacy, repeating our well rehearsed line: "My only real family is the one that raised me."

But on some level we know, we always know (even when we think we don't), that regardless of what we may have all agreed to pretend, the prescribed "reality" is not the whole truth.

11 comments:

  1. "Except that it lives on, in us. In our faces, our hands, our feet, our mannerisms, our quirks of personality. A million sign posts mark us as different from those who are raising us as "their own," and we are expected to ignore them all. Or at the very least, to act as if such things don't matter in the least."

    Okay so this pretty much requires a box of Kleenex... <3

    Love how you articulated this.

    And love you.

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  2. I call this "the big hush". Its the big lie and the unspoken rules that perpetuate it.

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  3. Thank you for posts like this! I'm an adoptive mom. We have very close relationships with members of our children's birth families. I love that our daughter can look at her crooked fingers and know that she got those from her birthmom. I love how our son never holds still and that all of us can laught about how his birth parents were the same way as kids. I pray every day that having healthy open adoptions will minimize the pain and loss that they experience and that they will be able to know that they never have to choose between us and their birth families.

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  4. <3 you too!!

    Thank you for being my muse today!

    ReplyDelete
  5. "The big hush" -- yes, that's a good description. Thanks!

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  6. Thanks! As you may know, I'm an adoptive mom, too, and like you, we are trying to do things completely differently. IMHO, it's not necessary for the new family to negate the old. They can coexist.

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  7. Even though I haven't lived this from the perspective of an adoptee, I can see this playing out in my children. To deny that they have a family apart from ours...that would be to deny a part of them.

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  9. Powerful post! we really do always know, don't we?

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  10. By the way, I'm nominating you for a Liebster Blog award

    http://todaysthedaytheygivebabiesaway.blogspot.ca/2013/01/leibster-award.html

    I hope you have fun with it.

    ReplyDelete
  11. By the way, I'm nominating you for a Liebster Blog award

    http://todaysthedaytheygivebabiesaway.blogspot.ca/2013/01/leibster-award.html

    I hope you have fun with it.

    ReplyDelete